How often does this happen? You hardly pause what you are doing as you wave goodbye. You barely get out a smile before you are swallowed up by phone calls and work-related issues and just your busy life. You never say the words because you assume that he knows them. Perhaps he does. You go about your daily business. Quotidian events get to you more today then other days. You're impatient and critical. You don't know why. The banter that goes on around you seems asinine and utterly lacking in relevance. You have the strangest feeling inside, a feeling that makes your stomach turn now and then. This too, you cannot explain nor comprehend. You watch the clock more often than necessary. Each tick seems the length of one lifetime. You can't help but wonder if there is something you forgot to do or a person you forgot to wish "Happy Birthday." You know there is something about today that is just wrong.
The time for returning home rolls around at last. You expect to feel relief. Instead, the uneasiness grows and becomes suddenly immense. Your heart races as you get in the old wheezing car. Your mind houses thoughts that are practically cyclones. Your thoughts spin round and round not making sense. You can't seem to connect the dots. As your car tyres kiss the driveway, it hits you so squarely. Panic rises from your stomach, your heart sinks to the ground. You throw the car door open and step out into the cool air of dusk. When you call for him, silence is the only answer. Your knees begin to quiver because your body reacts quicker than your mind. The reaction came before your mind pieced the puzzle together. You force yourself to think the three simple, elementary words :
He is gone.
Three simple words... but they rupture your heart leaving it bleeding and seemingly irreparable. Ignoring the truth, you search. With trembling knees, you wander the streets. Your eyes try to see through the unassailable darkness. You scream for him but all you hear are the echoes of your own hoarse, agonized voice. You look in every nook and cranny but you don't need to because you're absolutely positive that he has left. Mechanically, you unlock the door, step inside the dark house and just stare into space for a long, indefinite time. Finally, you flip on the lights, visit the cupboard and snatch a wine glass. As the red elixir slides down your throat, your numb mind wanders. Why? Why did he leave? Was it something you did wrong? Why was there nothing to explain it? There was no note stuck to the fridge or left by the phone. He was just gone as if his existence was a mere conjuring of your imagination. Of course, you always expected this to happen sooner or later but after years of felicity, the thought had all but disappeared. Like so many, you had overestimated the amount of time you would be allowed. Now though, all you have are pictures you can hardly bear to look at. As you crawl under the covers, you ask of no one, "Why didn't he at least say goodbye?" Memories hack at the walls you swiftly built to maintain your sanity. All you see when you glance around the empty abode is where he should be. You keep hoping he will return. You wait by the door all the time, just staring at it, thinking he will barge in and take you in his arms like he used to. You wait throughout long winter nights when the hearth emits warmth that doesn't touch your heart. It is then impossible for you to imagine a greater pain.
He was an ephemeral gift. When the desperation of awaiting his return has all but faded, when there is not even a glimmer of a possibility that he would return, when clarity looks you in the eye, you are left with a dull ache that you know will always be there. It is a part of you, a scar untouchable by time or reason. It will be a part of you for eternity.